New Year

It's been a rough month for me, diet and exercise-wise.  I've been neglecting the gym and eating junk again.  Welcome back pizza, sugar and pasta!  Actually, I'd rather not.  But such has it been since my grandpa passed the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  His passing affected me far more than I had anticipated.  He and I were never close, never as much as I wished we were.  He was a man that I loved and respected for his humor, kindness, and quiet strength.  Just being around him made me smile.  For years I wanted to find out about his life and his experiences.  When he died, I cried on and off for days and the weight of his passing took a toll on my mind and weighed heavily on my heart.  The flower of beauty I grasped from the experience was how much family is truly important to me.  I focused a bit on becoming closer to family this last month, and focused less on what went into my body.  You see, I have a terrible habit of focusing too much on just one thing and other things fall to the wayside.  I realized recently this tidbit and I am taking a step back from overwhelming focus in one area to be able to look at the big picture.  To see the forest for the trees, so to speak.

Over the last month I've been eating crap food and, oddly, I still lost a bit of weight.  With that realization, that I was losing even though the food I was eating was... poisoning my body, I continued to put junk into it.  Culminating with this past weekend, when my mom's side of the family got together for Christmas the Sunday after the holiday (which is a first in my entire life - Christmas Eve was always the get together time).  I stuffed sugar cookies and rye boat down my gullet like it was my last meal.  And it showed.  From the 182.0 I saw on the scale Friday morning to the 189.0 I saw on the scale last night.  Understandably, I was rather disappointed in myself.  But I don't count the 189 from last night as "official" and I do think that by Friday I will see under 185 again.

With that, I welcome a new year into all of our lives!  Every day we awake is a new chance to change something for the better.  With a new year, we resolve to improve ourselves.  We want to lose weight, quit smoking, spend more time with family, and so on.  My year started a couple weeks back when I decided to begin doing one thing every week for the next year.  My list of 52 Things includes completing a triathlon, volunteering, reading, skydiving, paying off debt, filing for my second divorce, and heading to the Renaissance Faire - in costume.  I did not focus on just diet and exercise with my resolutions to complete these things, rather these are things that I expect from myself.  These are things that I feel define who Cindy really is.  However, many are things that I just did not make time for in my years till now.  I expect 2013 will, if nothing else, be quite interesting.  Going into the year I am blessed with a man who adores me (and I adore him), sons who are bright and who are starting to show that to everyone, friends who love and care for me, a job that I can support my family and not have to worry about covering my tattoos, and a body that, although weight, time, and children have worn down, is not broken but lying in wait for me to continue the transformation to have the Cindy inside emerge. 

I have been down, but I am not out.  Slow and steady.  I will win this.  My prize?  Me.  I will finally be the me I know I have inside.  The me that I long to show the world and to prove to myself that exists.

Best of new year's to each of you!  XO