Paleo-in' Ain't Easy

Word.  It's been tough through the Halloween season avoiding candies around the office and those offered by my sons and really, the sugar has been everywhere!  I've slipped up a few times and nabbed some pizza over the weekend after my complete exhaustion from the week.  However, due to staying the course the majority of the time, I haven't gained any weight back (I haven't lost, but I still see the lack of gaining as a tremendous victory!)  I need to up my days at the gym or workout more at home or on my lunch break so that I can see more of the definition I can already begin to feel.  I love that feeling.  Mmm...

I've marked up my scale and have done an excellent job not weighing myself daily.  I haven't quite pulled away enough to weekly, but I expect this month that will happen and then on to monthly weigh-ins.  It's a process, everything is.

Onward!  I've started cooking more whole foods and started to pick up different vegetables to add to my meals that I wouldn't normally look twice at.  This is a huge step for me.  Usually I'm afraid to try anything new, mostly for fear of wasting my money.  No more, I say!  I've turned over a new leaf and push forward on my adventure's in cooking (and soon, during my work outs as well).  This week's venture will be into the world of Buttercup Squash.  That should be interesting. 

Yesterday morning I made some delicious Egg Cupcakes for breakfast.  My boys really enjoyed them.  If you look online for "Egg Cupcake" recipes, you will find a bunch of them!  All contain eggs, of course, most contain bacon or Canadian bacon and some have sausage or vegetables.  I'm posting the recipe I concocted here... with some stipulations: 1) If you want crispy bacon, use two pieces each cupcake and cook it first! 2) You could also use Canadian bacon, which might work better if you don't care if the bacon crispy.  Personally, I enjoy the cupcakes the way they are and I'm looking forward to trying different veggie options and possibly some sausage!  (Please excuse the cell phone pics!)

Egg, Bacon and Broccoli Cupcakes

Ingredients:
18 Eggs
18 Bacon slices (uncooked or partially cooked - for fully cooked bacon, use twice as much)
1 Box Frozen Chopped Broccoli

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cook the chopped broccoli according to the package directions. 

In the meantime, line each cup of a muffin tin with bacon.  

 

Once the broccoli is cooked, place a spoonful in the bottom of each bacon-lined cup.

Crack one full egg into each cup.  

 Bake at 350 deg for 20-25 min or until the yolk is as firm as you'd like it (I like runny eggs).  Enjoy!

I also broiled a grapefruit sprinkled with cinnamon for 7 min (I love grapefruit this way!) to add to my breakfast.  It was quite filling and yummy!

I am really enjoying this new adventure I'm taking on in like.  I love cooking and the more I cook the more I want to!  This weekend I co-hosted a Dia de los Muertos party (Day of the Dead) and made paleo enchilada soup which was a big hit!  I also baked cupcakes, made sugar cookies and sugar skulls.  For the most part, I did very well avoiding the crazy amounts of sugar I brought with me - and not a single sugar skull touched my lips!  I'm told they would be amazing for coffee.  Ha!  

Enjoy your Guy Fawkes Day and please vote tomorrow for the candidate you'd really prefer as our next president, even if it's not one of the top runners.  

Primal Change & Why I Hate My Scale

Runapalooza!  It was an incredibly hot, cloudless day.

I am very happy to return to this blog after some months of hiatus!  It's been a busy and interesting summer, but that's another story...  To catch you up to now I've been crazy busy with work and roller derby and my sons and friends and my boyfriend moving in with us and camping and lots more!  Sadly, in this time, my health has been left by the wayside.  I started eating out more and soda once again became a nearly daily occurrence and ice cream was no longer a treat, it was a twice-weekly outing.  Still, I really didn't gain too much weight and I certainly didn't lose any.  My ability to bench and run withered quickly.  Even though I wasn't paying much attention to my health this summer I completed the inaugural Runapalooza 5K in 34:34 and my second Warrior Dash with some friends all decked out in our goth attire.  I was able to climb over walls that I didn't think I could and I felt excellent completing the Dash.

The happiest darned goths at the Warrior Dash!

Primal Change
Fast forward to October 13th and a derby Halloween party I attended as the Bride of Frankenstein.  A fellow skater had briefly mentioned paleo and we talked about it.  I had been considering paleo for the last year or so, but have really never taken steps to try it out.  I talked about it with Andy the next day and Monday I just started!  I do not have the ability to eat the wild-caught fish or grass-fed beef, but I've cut out the processed carbs to all but nothing (natural carbs are fine) and the sugars are gone and I'm eating mostly meat and veggies.  I now only eat when I'm hungry and have gotten back to the gym on a near-daily basis.  Since October 15th, I've lost over 5 lbs to my current weight of 184 lbs.  I am so terribly happy with this change!  I have already seen more energy and I love that the weight is finally going away!  Check out Nerd Fitness or Mark's Daily Apple for information about a primal/paleo lifestyle.  That's where I went!

Why I Hate My Scale

I plan to write this on my scale!

Really, my scale is pretty stellar.  It's digital with buttons to save 4 profiles of weight and takes body fat percentages as well.  However, it's far too accessible for me.  I weigh in almost daily and sometimes more than that.  One evening over the summer, after a particularly calorie-dense day of eating out, alcohol and soda and who knows what else, I weighed in right when I got home.  The scale shot back the numbers 2-0-1 at me.  REALLY?!  200 lbs again!  I honestly cried myself to sleep.  Then I got up in the morning and weighed in again to see 198.6... Better.  Then I weighed in again a few hours later and then again a few hours later.  The scale is a bitch.  I'm not mad at her for telling me that I did a terrible job eating.  I'm not mad at her for at one time telling me that nearly half my weight was body fat.  I'm mad that she exists.  I like the scale as a tool to give myself an idea about where I am with my fitness, but I am not using her like that.  I am using her on a daily basis to berate myself for the terrible job I did or didn't do.  Even if I see the numbers head south slightly, I wonder what I could've done to make it move faster.  But weight loss is supposed to be slow.  I continue to remind myself that it didn't take a month to put this weight on and I need to be patient.  So I am going to put her away.  She'll have to see the dark until I have my monthly weigh-in with my amazing friends and then she'll go away again.  If Andy or the boys care to check where they are weight-wise, and as men they certainly do not do this as much as I ever did (combined, I'm certain), they'll know where to find her.  To be certain I can free myself of her tight grip, I think I'll have one of the menfolk hide her.

Finally...
I'm on the path to better health that I have longed to be on.  We'll see how well the paleo lifestyle fits me and how much I'll tweak it as I make my way to eating whole foods and bring my family away from the crazy amounts of processed foods to a wider variety of vegetables, fruits and healthier (and more humane) meats.

Knowing Your Limits (and Pushing Past Them)

I started running outside a couple weeks back now.  The intent was to see how far I could get and then build up until I could run 5K without stopping to walk.  I gave myself 6 weeks to accomplish this.  I did it in less than 2.  I was floored.

The first run I ran along Onondaga Creek to a personally mapped out route of 3.2 miles.  I pushed myself to go as far as I could before stopping and found that I ran 1.5 miles before walking and then the rest of the time ran/walked until I was home.  I was amazed that I even had that much in me.  I did all of that?!
A couple days later I got up in the morning and ran around a couple blocks twice getting in just over two miles.  Knowing that I did a mile and a half before, I felt I could complete the entire amount without stopping... and I was right.  A couple days after that I went out to run the Creekwalk and did it all but .08 mile.  That's right, less than a tenth of a mile I walked.  Yippie!

The next week I ran 3.2 miles around downtown and home.  I did not stop.

I am proof that anyone can do this (how many times have we heard that?).  Yes, I was of the mindset that I'm too fat or lazy or slow (or whatever excuse I could find) to run.  That I would look like a fool while I flail my arms and my body bounces around unbearably.  I'm not a runner!  I barely can walk outside without feeling self-conscious that people are looking at my fat ass.  Why put myself through that?

I did it.

On the runs I have looked at my reflection in a building or a car window to see how my form is and I am happy to see a runner.  I don't see a fat woman flailing (though others might see that, I don't care one bit).  I see strength and endurance and a woman being healthier than she ever was before.  I see what I am now and what I am working toward.

I know the weight is slowing me down, but I do not let that stop me.  It's only temporary.  I will not always have this body and I am becoming stronger every day.

We have these amazing muscles inside (whether or not they are covered by a layer of fat or the skin is tight against them) that carry us everywhere and, when neglected, they whine when we want to use them (or to see what they can really do).  My muscles whined quite a few times, but I work past the aches because, unless I die while I'm running, I'll keep moving. 

Currently 192 lbs (53 lb loss)

With that attitude I biked into work on Friday - the ride in is all uphill.  I took the lowest inclined way, which adds a couple miles to the route, but it the easiest to climb.  I did have to walk the bike a few times and ended up getting lost by a couple miles (thus making me late for work).  I wouldn't give up.  Toward the end of the ride, continuing to push uphill, I yelled outloud at the bike.  I yelled at the hill.  I yelled at my legs.  I control YOU, you do NOT control me. 

I did it.

I made it the 8.5 miles to work and the 6 miles back home (I didn't get lost).  The downhill miles are far more fun!  I didn't give up.  I plan to ride into work more and possibly most mornings.  I expect I'll get a nice commuter bike, rather than the cumbersome mountain bike I have.  I will continue to ride my bike around town, once my butt gets used to the seat more...  (ow!)

To everyone: Do NOT take your body for granted.  It's effing amazing!  Push the muscles.  Show them that your are the boss of them.  Know that you are the master of your body and you want what is best for it, even if it complains (and aches) in the process.  Know that you WILL do whatever you put your mind to.

Cynnister, Dwarf Adventurer

I've signed up for the current 6-week Nerd Fitness Challenge.  It will hopefully really jump start my life through weight loss/exercise, meditation and debt payments.  Here is the blog entry I started with NerdFitness.com...

May 2012 Challenge

I'm finally ready to put my all into a NF challenge. I've signed up and petered out the last few times, but not again! I love the idea of a challenge based on class/profession. I would like to be a part of the Ranger or Assassin classes, however much I want to build strength and cross train (and I will continue to work on those aspects) I would like to lose weight and build to running 3 miles daily, so I have chosen to be an Aventurer. A Dwarf Adventurer, that is, because I find dwarves strong, no-nonsense and full of grit! I am a dwarf.


Here are my personal attribute points (I kept the definitions for my benefit):

2 - Strength (STR) - physical strength
1 - Dexterity (DEX) - agility and speed
3 - Stamina (STA) - Endurance and Energy
3 - Constitution (CON) - ability to resist damage and disease
2 - Wisdom (WIS) - intuition and sense of things around himself
4 - Charisma (CHA) - force of personality and physical attractiveness

I am definitely highest scoring in Charisma because I am outgoing and have encouraged my friends to start getting fit themselves (we have started our own personal challenge between four of us with monthly weigh-ins, our team is named Super Mari-WHOAs! and we already plan on matching "Be Super!" tattoos). That said, I am slow, hence my Dexterity being a 1. I "run" but it's at a 10-12 min mile pace and that is something I eventually want to improve, this challenge will be about adding time, not speed.

Here are my goals for the next 6 weeks!

1) RUN 5K WITHOUT STOPPING (+4 STA)

I am currently able to run 1 mile at 6 mph without stopping on the treadmill and very close to that outdoors (not the same mph, but the same distance). I am signing up for Syracuse's Runapalooza 5K being held on June 30th (with a post-race concert by Enter the Haggis!) and the Warrior Dash on August 11th. Both races I need to at least have the ability to run this distance (with the Warrior Dash needing more, but that's for another post).

2) COMPLETE FIRST 5 WEEKS OF P90X TRAINING (+2 DEX/+ 3 STR)

I have been talking about starting this for a couple weeks now, it's high time I actually do it. My 13-yr-old son wants to do this with me, so we'll have each other to push to complete the routines. I've already taken before pictures, which I will post with the after pictures at the end of these six weeks and I have taken measurements (below). I do not have the P90X recommendations for food, nor do I really care to have them. I'm going to focus on eating whole foods, less carbs/more protein and veggies, and drink lots of water. I have an application that helps me keep track of calories that I will gently lean on to keep myself on track.

3) SET UP AND STICK TO A DAILY MORNING AND EVENING ROUTINE (+1 CON/+1 CHA)

I already start the morning with 5 Sun Salutations and have just started to add lunges and squat jumps. I would like to end the day with at least 5 minutes of meditation and possibly a few yoga moves to lower my heart rate. I will take the first week to set up the routines and the next 5 weeks to get into the habit of completing them daily.

4) WEIGH IN TWICE WEEKLY (+1 WIS)

Currently I'm weighing myself at least once every morning and sometimes (not almost all the time) I weigh in twice daily. I realized this had become obsessive when over this weekend I ate FAR too much at one meal and weighed myself a few hours later. I was up 6 lbs since the morning and I was devastated. I know logically it was the food still not digested and that it needed more time to process, but I still let it get under my skin (this morning I was only That said, I don't want this type of meltdown to hinder any progress I'm having and I need to remember we all have slip ups. It's not the end of the world. So I'm cutting back to every other day this week and then every third day and then to twice weekly by the end of the challenge.

5) PAYDAY LOANS PAID IN FULL (+3 WIS)

For those of you who have never had a payday loan - NEVER get one. This was done out of despiration some months back and in order to pay the three remaining loans off will be around $1500. It's been several months and I have been suffering because of this decision. And it's over and done with. I plan to have one paid this weekend (just under $400 payoff) and I hope that my next 2-3 paychecks pay off the other two (biggest) loans.

Here are my current stats >

Weight: 196.6 lbs

Bicep: 13" (flexed)
Bust: 42.25"
Underbust: 36.5"
Waist: 35"
Hips: 47.5"
Thigh: 28.25"
Calf: 16.75"

I plan to post during to my personal blog, Rock the Tiger Dress, as well as some here. Let's do this!

What If...

Let’s play the What If game!

What if… I took care of my body when I was 17 and tried to start a fitness routine and gave up after not knowing what I was doing?  What if… I went to college instead of getting married at 18?  What if… I moved to Florida a few years back when I was thinking about it?  What if…

This game can be very self-destructive but can also be quite beneficial.  You can look back on what you might be considered hiccups in your life and either regret them or learn from them.  Let’s look at this one: What if I took care of my body when I was 17 and onward?  Would I have the confidence to do other things that I lacked confidence for?  Would I have given up my healthful lifestyle once I got married or pregnant?  Would I be strong and fit now?  Would I have decided a tan would look good on me as well and develop skin cancer?  There are an infinite number of paths our lives may have lead by the change of one decision and regardless of the thoughts you allows yourself to delve into, your life did not go down that path and this is the one you're on.  The past is nice to reflect on and sometimes is fun to daydream about for a moment, but the present is where we live.   

Every moment and every decision I made in my life has lead me here.  I’m not thrilled with every aspect of my life – who is really?  However, I am taking these moments to reflect on where things could’ve changed and why they didn’t.  I’m learning that a dash of self-assurance and a lot of grit could’ve gotten me a long way.  I may have been slim and fit now if I chose to get healthy earlier.  I may have been well-off and not worrying about bills if I chose to save rather than spend.  I may have not married a second time if I spoke up for what I really wanted.  Life is what I have made it and I am the only person that can choose a different path.

This What If game that I play has lead to another thought.  What If... when I'm 40 I look back at 33 and ask myself "What if I really did rock that tiger dress at 33?  That would've been amazing.  But I'm right where I was then."  That scenario is so very unappealing that I've really gotten my butt in gear this last week.  We all only have a finite amount of time on this earth.  We spend the first 20ish years under our parents direction but the rest of our lives are spent guiding ourselves to happiness, whatever that might mean for each of us.  I haven't made the best decisions with my first 15 years out of the nest, but I plan to make the remainder of my life the very best I can.  It really is never to late to start for any of us!  If we're lucky, we'll get to really live when we're in our 80s and 90s.  None of us hope to be in a nursing home or taking 10 pills each morning or any of the ailments that come with aging.  

 

For me and my boys, I am going to live the best life I can with hopes that I can see my great (great) grandchildren and play with them.  That starts now.  Not tomorrow or in 5 years or when I'm better off.  Now.  Today, I will choose to make my life healthier by walking outside in the beautiful sunshine and fresh air.  Today, I will drink in life and I will resolve this every morning.  

No more regrets.  No more "What Ifs." 

UPDATE: I am finally under 200 lbs!  198.6 and I'm so excited!

10 Things I Learned at Zumba

Look how awesome Zumba is!  I must head to a class and check this out...

For a few years I've heard friends and family members tout how amazing Zumba is.  High energy, loud music, Latin flair - what could you not love about this?  I wasn't sold and I didn't go to any offerings at the gym or invitations to dance my ass off.  That is, until this year's weight loss challenge.

I am teamed up with one of my best friends, Shelly, to make up the green team (another couple of my best friends are on the purple team - and we will, of course, kick their asses).  Well, Shelly loves to dance and Zumba was a big pull for her the day we signed up at the local Y and found out about the classes.  I knew taking the class was an inevitability and, though I tried to be open-minded, I was going in expecting I would hate the course.  One class and I was done.  At least that's what I expected.  Well, I am hooked!

Okay, that's a bold-faced lie.  There was no surprise.  It is not my ideal workout. 

What are those straps for?

The class started and the loud, thumping music began with our trainer decked out in a Zumba-emblazoned shirt and pants with straps hanging off the butt and knees.  I believe these straps are meant to emphasize the movement in those areas, because they seemed to serve no other purpose.  The entire class the instructor gave no direction about what the next move would be or how to do something, except to point a finger in the direction where we were meant to be.  Thankfully I was able to catch on within a couple steps, regardless of the changes.  The music was nothing I had heard of and I believe must be Zumba-specific beats (although at the end we did dance to "Single Ladies").  

The class jumps and kicks and moves their arms around in big circles and jazz hands and we do some aerobic-type movements that I was familiar enough with.  Then... We shimmied.  And we gyrated.  I never shimmy and seldom gyrate when I'm actually dancing, why would I do that when I'm exercising?  Really, how much exercise am I getting when I shake my ta-tas at an alarming rate?  I continued working at the movements and giving it my best.  After all, I was there because Shelly was really enjoying herself and I love my friend and would not bail on her.  As the class went on, I embellished the moves as much as possible - I kicked higher and squatted lower and stood on my toes more than was demonstrated to get the most out of the class.  An hour of the pumping and grinding and I was glistening.  Shelly and I then went to the upright bike and rode out the rest of our workout time together.  I was very content to do so.

10 Things I learned at Zumba

1. I do not like to shimmy.  Ever.  The girls (those bountiful beauties hanging off the front of me) like to stay where they are and do not enjoy being whipped back and forth in the least bit.  At least not in public.

2. I do not enjoy gyrating or bumping or grinding toward a classroom full of other women.  Especially since the majority of them I was not attracted to and would choose to neither bump nor grind toward or with them, regardless of the proximity of our bodies or the situation in which we find ourselves.

3. Zumba is a good cardio workout.  I probably sweat just as much in the hour-long class as a half-hour on the treadmill and burned about as many calories as 30 vigorous minutes on the upright bike (14-16 mph).

4. I do not workout unless I have a goal.  I run on the treadmill to build endurance for roller derby and to work toward the Warrior Dash and future foot races I plan to run.  I get on the upright bike to work on endurance and to work toward a bike race and eventually a triathlon (even a smaller one).  I lift weights to build leg and arm strength for derby and to stabilize my core.  I cardio-dance for no specific reason.  If I want to learn to dance, I will take a dance class and not a dance-like aerobics class.  If I want to sweat I will jump on the treadmill or head to derby practice.

5. Everyone has their own thing.   Zumba is not mine.

6. I enjoy "white noise" workouts.  Running on the treadmill, spinning on a bike, roller skating in circles.  The constant repetitive movement of my body is like "white noise" and, while others may find it monotonous, to me it has a rhythm that lulls me into my own world.  Meditation in movement.

7. I love trying new things.  Alright, Zumba is not my cup of tea.  Then again, tea is not my cup of tea (as I've found out on several occasions).  Nonetheless, it's fun to try things that are outside my comfort zone.  I love pushing those barriers.  Whether it's taking a new aerobics class or saying hello to a stranger or signing up for a race that I'm not certain I'll be ready for (I'm looking in your direction, Spartan Race...)  That's the beauty of life.  It's too damned short.  Then we die.  We might as well make the very most of our time here.

8. Straps hanging off your pants are not a go-to fashion statement.

9. I enjoy dancing.  For the sake of dancing and not for the purpose of exercise.

At least the woman in front seems to be enjoying herself...

10. I love my friends dearly and especially Shelly.  Shelly and I have a variety of taste in men, clothing, exercise, speech...  I love her not just for our similarities but specifically for the differences we have.  I love that we are both willing to allow ourselves to explore new experiences with one another because we cherish our individual uniquenesses and we want to share those things.

While Zumba is not for me, I will take the class once in awhile when Shelly wants to and time allows.  Until then, you will find me at the free weights.

Motivation

My mental "after" picture.

One week after we set up the group of us, I looked at the motivational collage I made and placed on my bathroom window.  I saw strong, fit and active women.  Encouraging phrases and notes and my derby name, Hella Paiño, emblazoned through the middle.  I can close my eyes and see myself as one of them.  Covered with tattoos and beautiful.  I made this collage a couple months ago and have continued to gain weight.  Then the realization dawned on me... Visualizing what you'd like to accomplish is very encouraging but it's nothing without some follow through.  That day I went to the gym on lunch and did some leg work, that I happily was in pain for the next day.  This was last week.

Since then I've kept reminding myself why I am doing this.  It's not terribly noble, but I want to look and feel beautiful.  I want to be the woman I know I am inside.  The athlete.  The hard worker.  The cute flirt.  The daredevil.  The sexpot.  The supermom.  I intend to be a woman I would be proud to know.  I will be the woman I am proud to be.

So until then, I work.  Every time I exercise, push away from the table before my plate is clean or say no to a soda, I am putting a penny in the bank of my tiger dress.  A penny isn't much on it's own but couple that with another and another and soon I will be able to show off that body I have been daydreaming about for so long.

My Journey's First Step

245 lbs - August 2010 (with my brand new skates!)

212 lbs - August 2011 Warrior Dash

215.4 lbs - Christmas Eve 2011

Before: 245 lbs

In August 2010 I weighed in at 245 lbs.  That summer was the summer that I started to spread my wings but I just wasn't happy.  I knew that it was time for a change and I joined the fresh meat class of the local roller derby team, Assault City.  In the next few months, I didn't really change how I ate, but by just adding roller derby I was able to lose 15 lbs by December.  

In January 2011 I went vegan and quit meat, cheese and eggs cold turkey (pun intended!).  I lost another 18 lbs in the next couple months and plateaued around 212. About that time I stopped skating with the team for a couple months due to time issues (roller derby is a blast, but it's a huge time commitment) and I now skate referee for them.  In May or June I realized that veganism just wasn't for me and added those foods back into my diet, but was happy to find that I continued to lose weight to my 2011 lowest of 204 lbs.  I vowed that I would not gain again, but in the December I saw 217 lbs staring back at me from the scale face.  

How did this happen?  Well, when I added back meat, dairy and eggs I didn't add back soda right away, then I found myself downing at least one 20-oz per day, if not more.  I stopped paying attention to what I ate and, with the loss of my car in September, I've been rather lax on working out, even though my gym is only one and a half miles from my apartment and I could walk it or work out at home.  

Well, it's 2012 and time for another change.  I've enlisted my cousin and two of my friends to have a Biggest Loser-type competition.  We are each on a team of two (go Green Team! - we need a better name, but at least we have a color).  There will be challenges (we are headed to the Warrior Dash in August) and temptations (hello dinner's out!) and rewards (ahhh massages, I cannot wait!) but there is some "rules" to be ironed out before I get too into it.  Thus far, I've taken my measurements and weight and, with a deep breath, I am posting them here.  I will continue to consider the 245 lbs my "before" weight, but this journey will start at my competition weight of 215.4.  And away we go!

• Weight: 215.4
• Fat Percentage: 53.4% (seriously?? I'm over half fat?!)
• Bicep: 13.25"
• Bust: 43"
• Waist: 39"
• Hips: 50"
• Thigh: 29.5"
• Calf: 17.5"

  

The Dress?  

Ohhh... The dress.  This past summer I bought the most expensive dress I've ever bought (I'm not well-off).  This dress from PinUp Girl Clothing.  I bought it in a medium.  I don't think I've been a medium since high school.  I got close to squeezing into medium shirts when I was 175 lbs a few years back (2005, I believe) but that was squeezing.  I want to ROCK this dress.  I don't just want it to fit, I want to look amazing in it.  I know the tiger dress won't be the end of my journey, but it's an excellent goal.  Until I get there, I am currently in size 18 jeans and I have a size 16 skirt and size 14 capris that I have to aim for first.  But, watch out, tiger dress!  You are hanging on my bedroom wall right now, but by the end of 2012 you will be hanging off my fine ass...